always have strength

6 months ago today, at this very second, my life was completely normal and happy.  i was actually getting lost on my way to the mall with two of my friends, Angie and Melissa. it's funny, the whole day we kept saying "today is a great day", "ah, i LOVE today". and aside from spending more money than i should have, it was a great day. then we went home, i showered up, i admired my new purchases, i hopped in the shower and changed into my new pj's. we had talked about maybe getting together later and having a glass of wine, but i was perfectly content just watching a movie and relaxing alone the rest of my saturday night. my husband was on a boys trip in south carolina, i had just cleaned the house and lit some yankee fall scented candles and poured a glass of pino nior. so when my phone rang around 8:45 i almost didn't answer it. i couldn't see the screen of my phone because my puppy thought it was a chew toy a few days earlier. i just assumed that it was one of the girls calling to get together. not knowing who was calling, i almost didn't answer, but i did. and it was not one of my friends. it was my dad, his voice was so hollow and his words so matter-of-fact. "brooke, it's your dad, i have some bad news. you're brother has been hit by a car. we are on the way to the hospital. he is being flown by helicopter. we don't know what's going to happen. it doesn't look good. you're mom can't talk right now". my response was, "what?! are you serious?". "yes, brooke, i'm serious" (who would joke about that?). i don't really know how that phone call ended other than i know my dad said, "i will call you when we know more". after we hung up i called my husband and told him through sobs. by then it was 9 o'clock at night they had been drinking and golfing all day. there was no way he could make the 5 hour drive tonight. from there i didn't know what to do. i hadn't had a sip of alcohol yet, but there was no way i could drive. i ran to my friend meaghan's house. and just fell apart on her floor. some of the other husbands were in SC with tony, so they had called their wives who then found me over at meaghans (not a hard find). i didn't know what to do. i still hadn't hear back from my parents, it was almost 10 o'clock at night. there was no way i was sleeping, there was no way i was driving. we eventually went over to my apartment and my friend who is a nurse called the hospital to see if she could find out what was going on. they couldn't tell her much but they said he was in a room (versus a unit, or the other way around. i am not sure...). a room (or a unit) meant that he was OK, or so we thought. i was so happy that i cried harder. then my mom called me. i don't remember much of that call, but i do remember then talking to a close family friend, veronica. she told me there was good and bad news. i asked for the good news first. i needed it. well, the good news was that during a pain test my brother squeezed my moms hand. the bad news was that the doctors said that was just reflexes and that he was brain dead. those two words, brain dead, changed everything. he was in the room (...or unit) because there was nothing more they could do for him, not because he was OK. i had to get to him, i HAD to. so without blinking an eye angie packed my bags and melissa pulled her car around. and like that they didn't hesitate to drive me 4 hours to DC at 11 o'clock at night (i am forever grateful). i only told veronica that i was coming. i didn't need anyone (especially my parents) to worry. i got there at 3:15 am and my whole family was there. i instantly started shaking, my cousin, tyler, gave me a hug, took me into the icu and to my brothers room. i saw my mom and dad, but i was too scared to look on the other side of the curtain. i mean, he had been hit by a car! surely he would look awful. actually no, other than a cut about 3 inches long down his eyebrow he looked like himself. he looked like my beautiful, amazing, athletic, smart, funny, loving, caring, and wonderful baby brother. there i sat with him for the next 18 hours. leaving only for bathroom breaks, to make a phone call or to get a drink. my friends, katie, larissa and courtney all came to see him. towards the end when his stats started to go down the nurses even let his friends and coaches, a couple at a time, come see him. we all knew it was goodbye, just nobody said it. i sat there and held his hand, kissed his forehead, studied his face because even if i couldn't admit it or say it out loud, i knew that it was only a matter of hours, or even minutes. at about 8:40pm my husband, tony, finally got there after 10 long hours of driving. then around 9pm my mom and i went to brush our teeth and change our clothes. 10 minutes later, about 5 seconds after my mom and i walked back in the room, everything stopped. the machines weren't beeping anymore (rather, one long beep. that didn't stop). nobody was talking. it was over. in the room was my mom and dad, my aunt and uncle, my grandma and grandpa, my cousin and me and tony. it was the strangest thing. i wasn't sad (i mean, i was, but i was so... so shocked. too shocked to be sad in that moment). is this really happening. is this REALLY happening? i mean, what do you do? where do we go from here? do we just leave him? alone? did this really just happen? then, one by one we started walking out. i walked back into the waiting room where friends and family were. i sat down and just couldn't believe it. my husband and courtney held my hands for a little bit, and then we just... left. without Bo.
the rest of the week was just a haze of sadness. about a week later my uncle and i spoke at his funeral. i wish i had a copy of my uncles speech. it was nothing short of amazing. this is more or less what i said, i definitely improvised a bit on the day:

"Thank you all for coming, thank you all for the love and support you have shown for me and my family.

Thank you for loving Bo.

"Lets not dwell on the things that we cannot change, but rejoice in all the things Bo left for us and all the amazing things he did in his short life on earth."

We all have great memories of Bo and our hearts will be forever imprinted with them and his love.

I was lucky enough to have had Bo as a brother for almost 16 years.  Since we were 10 years apart, I was also lucky enough to remember every part of his life.  Including the day he was born. It was one of the happiest of my life.  I got a baby brother.

When Bo was little I used to sneak into his room and grab him out of his bed into mine so we could cuddle.  I loved having him close to me.

As he got older he hated when people slept in.  One of my favorite memories of Bo is him running up the stairs at 7am yelling, "BAAAARRROOOOOKKKKKEEEYYYYY" and jumping on my bed.  It was time to play!

One of the things that I loved most about Bo is whenever I would come home, Bo would drop whatever he was doing whoever he was with and come give me a bone crushing hug and big kiss.

I love that he never got embarrassed by me hugging and kissing him, calling him my "little Bobo" or anything else that I could think of to make him mad in front of his friends.  Even at 15!

People would always say what a polite, respectful amazing boy he was.  He always shook your hand, looked you in the eye and said please and thank you. They would say,  "What a  great brother you have".

I could go on with stories forever, as I have thousands of them.

I love him so much.

I want each of you to remember what an amazing boy, son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend he was.

Keep him in your hearts and he will always be with you.

Remember his big smile, big heart and great time you had with him while he was here.

Baby brother Bo, I love you more than you will ever know.  Please watch over us.

Rest in peace, my love."

i miss that boy so much. it hurts so bad. 6 months has done nothing to ease it, not in the least. i can talk about him sometimes without crying. sometimes. i would give anything to talk to him again. his death has left a huge hole in everyone's heart. he is missed so much and loved by so many. 

writing this was not easy, but it was somewhat therapeutic. sometimes i fall apart for no reason. i try to keep it together for the most part, but it's really hard. i probably breakdown and cry more than i should, and at inappropriate times. i think about him every. single. day. and more. i cry every. single. day. sometimes it's just for a second, like when i hear a song that reminds me of him. sometimes its for a few minutes, like when i wear one of his shirts or look at his pictures. or sometimes it's all day, on days like today, where i just. can't. stop. but when i go to that sad place, whether it be for a second or for a day, i just have to remember to be strong. always have strength.

his friends had these made for him

i don't know everyone's beliefs and sometimes i question my own. but the best thing that i can do for myself is live how he would have wanted me (wants me) to live. be the best person i can be and maybe, just maybe, if i am lucky enough i will see him again. 

picking out masey

i love him and miss him SO, SO much.